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Essential Empy

Essential Empy

  • Safe Arrivals
    Twenty years from now, thousands, maybe even tens of thousands, will say they were at Hanscom Civilian Air Terminal to welcome Daisuke Matsuzaka to Massachusetts.
    13 December 2006
  • Bounty
    Raymond has yet to brag of his exploits in his blog, jejunely entitled The Big Blue Blog. I guess it’s difficult to update one’s site while on the lam.
    4 July 2006
  • Renascence
    Two years ago rendered 20 years ago, 31 years ago, 39 years ago, and 60 years ago painless.
    28 June 2006
  • Divinity
    Baseball is replete with threes and multiples of threes: three strikes, three bases, three parts of the outfield, nine players on the field and in the lineup, nine innings. Each league has three divisions and a minor league player must be promoted through three levels to reach the big leagues.
    27 June 2006
  • Debate
    M: [Groans] I’ll pretend you didn’t say that. That was just cell phone distortion. Incredibly unfunny cell phone distortion.
    22 June 2006
  • Present
    As Ortiz’s home run receded out of my view into the teeming masses in the bleachers, I clapped my hands raw, I hollered my throat dry, and exulted in a glorious day of baseball.
    12 June 2006
  • President
    Nixon: My fellow Red Sox Nation citizens. I am here to announce my intention to represent the All Farm Party in opposition to the incumbent president, Larry Lucchino.
    10 June 2006
  • Chagrin
    P.S. from Mom: Davey, you look so thin! Are you eating enough? Did you get the cookies I sent? You could use a haircut, too. I mean, it doesn’t have to be Yankee short, but your sideburns are a little long.
    7 June 2006
  • Initiation
    Wow, so here I am in the big leagues. I’m pretending like I’m taking notes on the batters I face, like Curt does. I met him earlier today and I said to him, “Hi, Mr Schilling,” and he responded with, “Call me Curt, Paul.”
    2 June 2006
  • Phratry
    The Phanatic and Wally might share a bond because of their green fur, but the bond of being Red Sox brethren bests such superficialities.
    22 May 2006
  • Phenomenon
    Our Papi, who art at first base, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy home runs come. Thy arm be gun, in Citizens Bank Park as it is in Fenway.
    20 May 2006
  • Short-Changed
    Nomar is the epitome of throwback baseball. He doesn’t rehearse speeches, cares not a whit about which lighting angle flatters him most. His postgame interviews are a litany of clichés and platitudes.
    17 May 2006
  • Mayday
    Bleacher fans slung fake money onto the warning track. The fitful wind toyed with the replica bills just as it did the fly balls that dared exit the field.
    2 May 2006
  • Dave’s Diegesis: Colophony Conspectus
    Words and baseball, like the interplay between pitcher and catcher--always passing meanings and ideas between each other, semaphorically and metaphorically.
    28 April 2006
  • Lefty & Righty: On Transgendered Mascots
    LEFTY: Shortly after I became a full-fledged mascot, just days from being less than mote of lint on the knitting needle of my maker, I felt pressure from society to be a boy or a girl. “You have such pretty smile,” they’d say. “That must mean you’re a girl.” Or, “What a masculine chin you have; you’ll make a strapping young man.” Things just aren’t so cut and dry these days. Mascots the world over are exerting their right to express or renounce the gender roles ascribed to them. The equipment you’re given should not determine if you entertain in a masculine or feminine manner. Really, what constitutes what is manly or womanly anyway? These characteristics originate in societal norms and perceptions and are not essential aspects of nature. I think the best mascots traverse gender roles with a blink of their ostrich feather eyelashes. One second you’ll see the Phillie Phanatic flirting with an umpire and the next it’s ogling a female fan in the stands. (Hmm, notice how it is just assumed that an umpire would be male? Anyway, that’s another topic for another week.) Would anyone question the fitness of the Hall of Famer Philadelphia Phillies...
    22 April 2006
  • Dave’s Diegesis: What the Muck?
    Somewhere ensconced in the anonymous mires of a Delaware River tributary there is a sanctum of incomparable muck. Blackburne chanced upon this champion lode of ooze that was perfectly suited to the task of breaking in balls.
    21 April 2006
  • Moxie
    CERVASIO: In Tampa, there’s no “Weiner Whiner Line” that ridicules you, or fan message boards that criticize every aspect of your performance on a nightly basis.
    20 April 2006
  • Untie
    When you see something so wonderfully implausible, you wonder if, in the retelling, some of that magic will dissipate. But then you realize, no, you should recount said events, even if only for the selfish pleasure of reliving such feats.
    18 April 2006
  • Dave’s Diegesis: Clubhouse Chemistry
    What else is smelly and the result of biomatter breaking down with the presence of oxygen? Breathing hydrogen sulfide can kill nerves in the olfactory system, which his my best guess as to why Trot can wear the same fetid hat all season.
    7 April 2006
  • Verve
    The second inning saw Orsillo was waxing poetic of the new age of general managers in baseball. “Young GMs have had sex,” he began.
    6 April 2006
  • Support Groups See Upsurge in Numbers
    Samantha Tearce, owner and administrator of the Vinatieri fan site “Adam’s the Apple of My Eye,” said her web traffic had tripled as word of the clutch placekicker’s departure spread.
    24 March 2006
  • Dr. Heckle and Ms. Snide
    I was truly curious about how Ruben was doing, so I posed the question to closer as he loosened up. “How’s your cousin doing? You know, Ruben?” I queried. “Does he like Texas?”
    11 March 2006
  • Aloha ‘Oe
    I cared enough to cheer on Benny. I was thrilled when he was picked up by the Red Sox in 2002.
    16 February 2006
  • Act Globally
    Baseball is America’s gift to the world, but Selig wants an burgeoning product line to accompany his bequest. And that seems to be the real American way.
    27 January 2006
  • Scouting the Scout
    When driving between scheduled stops, if Ray sees lights on at a field, he will always drop by to see what’s going on. You never know what you might see.
    21 January 2006
  • Winter Meeting
    Very few things can get me up early on a frigid holiday morning.
    16 January 2006
  • Making a List
    Who gets coal in his stocking? Dan Shaughnessy.
    24 December 2005
  • General Mismanagement
    Could we get a Sane Person to Red Sox Fan translator?
    31 October 2005
  • Red-Letter Day
    On October 27, 2004, my every baseball wish was fulfilled in a manner most improbable.
    27 October 2005
  • Still losing when I saw myself to win!
    Call it Gloomy Tuesday, for that was the day we learned Harrison would not suit up for the rest of the season.
    18 October 2005
  • History
    Just as 2003’s crushing end spurred the team to address their weaknesses for the 2004 championship drive, 2005’s fading finish will inform the front office’s strategy for the coming seasons.
    8 October 2005
  • Carl’s Primer on Life
    E is for Evolution, a damnable lie. F is for Fornication, an act I don’t deny.
    3 October 2005
  • Wild
    The familiar Boston skyline eased into my view and I picked out familiar landmarks: Zakim Bridge. Longfellow Bridge. Citgo sign. Then, finally, Fenway. The lights were still on in the park.
    3 October 2005
  • The Yankee Players’ Handbook Revealed
    Edited by the team’s fabled captain, shortstop Derek Jeter, the handbook painstakingly details every aspect of bringing honor and integrity to the pinstripes.
    9 September 2005
  • Monstrous
    Can you give designated hitters a “W”? There ought to be a rule....
    7 September 2005
  • The Inaugural Class
    Like the inaugural class of the Baseball Hall of Fame enshrined in 1936, the names of the members of the first class of the Mascot Hall of Fame will forever be intoned with the utmost respect and admiration.
    16 August 2005
  • Rule
    At the beginning of this season, everyone was “turning the page,” and now we’ve turned a new leaf to leave this melodrama behind.
    3 August 2005
  • Debut
    Game 104: July 31, 2005Twins (54-50), 3Red Sox (59-45), 4L: Juan Rincon (4-4)W: Mike Timlin (4-1)S: Curt Schilling (5) Digital video recorders are devices of the gods. I have Jon Papelbon’s major league debut, all 5.1 innings and each of his 7 strikeouts, forever encoded in 0s and 1s. He shut down the Twins in his first 3 innings, and ended with 4 hits, 3 runs (2 earned), 5 walks, and 2 home runs. Throughout it all, he showed peculiar poise for someone who had never pitched a major league game. A single chink in his armor showed when he thought he gave up a grand slam to Terry Tiffee in the 5th inning. He didn’t overreact, but tried to remain stoic as he asked the home plate umpire for another ball. And for yet another reason Papelbon found himself happy in Fenway Park, because what would have been a homer in McCoy Stadium was just a long fly ball out in Boston. The 4th inning was the frame of dueling solo homers. Justin Morneau hit one to to right field and David Ortiz and John Olerud replied with back-to-back homers. Jacque Jones also homered off of Papelbon in the...
    1 August 2005
  • Prospective
    There’s drama at the AA level as well, but without the media, the daily trials and tumults of lower tier players go largely unnoticed, making their struggles all the more poignant.
    31 July 2005
  • Unfriendly
    Look out kid/ Don’t matter what you did/ Walk on your tip toes/ When wearin’ crimson hose
    12 June 2005
  • People In Therapy Traumatized by Association with Rodriguez
    “It was all going good until I heard that A-Rod went to therapy, too. Who wants to be doing the same thing as that self-proclaimed ‘best player in baseball’ with the bush league attitude?”
    8 June 2005
  • Behind the Scenes at the Fever Pitch Première
    C. SCHILLING: Ten clams that Shonda beats the crap out of everyone. DAMON, M. TIMLIN and J. VARITEK: [Simultaneously.] No bet.
    8 April 2005
  • Closer
    “Edgar. Enrique. Renteria. To your room. No dinner. No Playstation. Straight to your room.”
    5 April 2005
  • Heart Transplant
    Balmy and calm in my heart, I wait for the first pitch of the season.
    19 February 2005
  • Green, Gay-Friendly, and Genuine
    “My pain as the product of a public relations machine is real, as real as any of you,” said Wally.
    21 January 2005
  • Red Sox Season Sestina
    No more supposed ghosts, curses, lapses, just pure faith...
    15 December 2004
  • Boston Red Sox, World Series Champions
    They won a game. And another, and another, and well, the rest is, quite literally, history.
    11 November 2004
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