Empyreal Environs

In the heated race for the final spot on the American League All-Star roster, Minnesota Twins reliever Pat Neshek urged two of his largest bases of support, skinheads and Yankee fans, to “rock the vote.” Neshek admitted there is sizable overlap between the two groups, but is unconcerned because fans have unlimited votes. “If there’s one thing my proponents are known for it is their zeal.”

Neshek characterized his campaign as one of two choices for those supporting truth, justice, and the American Way. “You got Kelvim Escobar, born in Venezuela and playing out there in that leftist hotbed California, and Roy Halladay, who was born in Colorado but chooses to be a turncoat by pitching for an entire nation of liberal pansies,” said Neshek as he summarized his opponents’ shortcomings.

“Jeremy [Bonderman] is pretty American, but I was born in Wisconsin, which was admitted into the United States 41 years before his home state, Washington, was,” conceded Neshek. “He plays for a city that is true blue, Detroit, so I find him an acceptable option should voters not select me.”

Neshek explained his particular enmity towards Boston Red Sox set-up man Hideki Okajima. “I really feel for that city, that whole state, really. It was totally victimized by Japanese car makers. That’s why I’m calling out for my biggest supporters to help me quell the surging of the yellow tide. I mean, they stole all our jobs in the Steel Belt, it’s obvious that the next target are the starting rotations and bullpens of America’s game.”

“Even though the Red Sox are always portrayed as a bastion of baseball tradition and history, they have sold out to the this internationalization of the game,” continued Neshek, drawing conclusions based on the Red Sox front office’s trends towards scouting Asia. “They’ve got a sign right outside of the stadium proclaiming their fans as the United Red Sox Nation. Boston stood the longest against forced integration and now the organization is kowtowing to the swamis of political correctness.”

When informed of the Red Sox’s recently announced alliance with the Chiba Lotte Marines, Neshek was visibly shaken. “This is how it begins, America. Are we going to be saying “baseball, teriyaki, empanadas, and Toyotas” soon? Stem the tide and vote American!”