Empyreal Environs

Alex Rodriguez parlayed his recent heads-up play to distract Howie Clark into an endorsement deal with SC Johnson Wax’s for their flagship Shout line of products.

Spokesperson Reid Harrison stated the company had no qualms about signing the Yankees third baseman to a multi-million dollar deal. “We figured we should strike while the iron is hot. A-Rod is as versatile as Shout products, and every aspect of his life will be used to demonstrate Shout’s utility.”

“There’s Shout Wipes to take care of those stains that happen while you’re on the go. Lab-tested to remove lipstick and other cosmetics,” Harrison said while giving a knowing wink. Rodriguez has been the subject of tabloid speculation of extramarital encounters both on the road and in New York City.

“Shout Trigger attacks those insistent dirt stain you can get while sliding hard into second base, and Shout Citrus Action, with an effervescent lemon scent, is perfect for cleansing and freshening the garments of a toddler, like the one Alex and Cynthia are raising,” beamed Harrison while displaying mock-ups of the Rodriguez family with various Shout products. In addition to his controversial play at Toronto, Rodriguez was also criticized for attempting to knock over Red Sox second baseman Dustin Pedroia after a hard slide into second base.

When asked about the terms of the deal, Rodriguez declined to provide specifics. “I can’t tell you the many ways Shout keeps my family’s clothes clean,” he said. When further pressed, he stated, “I literally can’t tell you. Ask my maid.”