Getaway
Game 100: July 26, 2006
Red Sox (61-39), 1
Athletics (52-49), 5
L: Kyle Snyder (2-2)
W: Dan Haren (7-9)
These trips to the West Coast are draining. I’m either fending off sleep and taking notes in a bleary stupor or swerving through early rush hour traffic while keeping track of the game.
Yesterday was particularly fun because I called a fellow fan during my commute. He pretended to be Don “Announcer Boy” Orsillo, since he was watching the NESN feed on MLB Extra Innings, while I was Jerry Remy. Quite apt, as Remy is known to be quite the motorist as he makes his escape from parks around the country. Sample dialog:
“DO”: With two out in the first, Kyle Snyder throws to Milton Bradley and... oh, Bradley is hit by the pitch. Fortunately, though, given Bradley’s tendency towards outbursts, it’s just a breaking ball that clipped his foot. Jerry, did you know that Bradley is a convicted serial killer?
“JR”: Why, yes, Don. He’s wanted in eight states. Enjoys cannibalizing small children, I hear.
“DO”: Exactly right. He and our own right fielder, Trot Nixon, share a similar interest. While Bradley eats children, Trot hunts them in the off season.
“JR”: Is that right?
“DO”: Indeed.
“JR”: Funny thing. Known him all these years but never heard about that. Well, I don’t know why they should be chowing down on perfectly good kids when they could have a Rem Dog, served every game day on Yawkey Way.
“DO”: And Kevin Youkilis strikes out in eight pitches for the second out of the third. You know, Jerry, Youkilis’s head is nearing Kevin Menchian proportions.
“JR”: Very true. I was talking to the clubhouse guy Pookie Jackson and he was saying that Youk’s head has gone up one and third inches in circumference this year.
“DO”: Remarkable. Bobby Kielty and his red hair in left makes a nifty catch of Mark Loretta’s fly ball to end the top half of the third inning. I’ve heard that people with red hair are the spawn of the devil, Jerry.
“JR”: Indeed. In fact, I have found that on the whole, red-headed men are quite unattractive. You can have attractive female redheads, of course, but the rule for men seems to be that if you have red hair, you are weird-looking.
“DO”: I’m sure that will go over well in the large community of people with Irish heritage back in Boston.
“JR”: Well, am I wrong here? You’ve got that scrawny comedian guy, Carrot Head....
“DO”: Carrot Top, Jerry.
“JR”: Yeah, him. And how about that actor guy that started out on television, thought he was too good for that, went to movies, failed, and is now back on TV?
“DO”: David Caruso.
“JR”: Yep, him. He’s got a strange face. Bill Walton. What about that geek that solved Fermat’s last theorem?
“DO”: Andrew Wiles, the mathematician at Princeton?
“JR”: That’s the one. All odd-looking fellows.
“DO”: You may have a point there, Remy. Well, the score is 5-1 in favor of Oakland in terms of runs hear at the top of the ninth. It will take some doing for the Red Sox to get back into the game for the win.
“JR”: After this series, the Red Sox will get tomorrow off. Their first day off in a long while, as they had that makeup game against Texas last Thursday.
“DO”: That same Texas team faces the Rangers tonight.
“JR”: Do they now?
“DO”: [Through giggles] I mean the Yankees. We’ll be back after these commercial messages.
“JR”: We’ll be back home at Fenway on Friday for a three-game series against the Angels, whom we have yet to play against this season. Speaking of things you may not have tried yet, don’t forget to pick up Boston’s favorite hot dog, the Rem Dog, on Yawkey Way.
“DO”: We’re off the air, Jerry.
“JR”: Game’s over? Quick, let’s get to the car.
