Empyreal Environs

Game 98: July 24, 2006
Red Sox (60-38), 7
Athletics (51-48), 3
W: Josh Beckett (13-5)
L: Barry Zito (10-7)

Last night the Battle of Alyssa Milano’s Ex-Boyfriends was waged both on the field and off between starting pitchers Josh Beckett and Barry Zito.

JB: Alyssa always thought that I was cuter than you.

BZ: No way, man. She thought your goatee was stu-pid with a capital “stu.” She called you Josh Bechenezer.

JB: She did not. Well, Alex Gonzalez never hit a homer off of me, like he did you in the third inning. Guys like Papi and Manny, you expect that from them. But A-Gon...?

BZ: Whatever, Swisher got to you in the fifth, Mr. 28 Dingers this season. For the record, I’ve only given up 15 so far. And my ERA is better than yours.

JB: I thought you guys were all about the sabermetrics out here? Don’t you know ERA is an outmoded measure of pitcher efficacy because it doesn’t factor in home park and the defense’s contribution to stopping runs? Because you pitch in Software Company O’ the Month Coliseum, everyone thinks you’re awesome. I could pitch lefty like you here and win the damn Cy Young.

BZ: ... I can play guitar.

JB: My GM plays better than you and is smarter than your GM. I don’t see any recent World Series banners flying the park here.

BZ: ... I can play guitar.

JB: Oh, and Alyssa thought it was weird how you would make her wear a ponytail and barrettes while you called her “Samantha.”

BZ: She said she liked it. And “Who’s the Boss?” was such an under-appreciated comedic masterwork.

JB: You are fricking old. I only remember how hot she was in “Charmed.” Dude, I can’t believe she’s dating Brad Penny now.

BZ: Yeah, tell me about it. And Carl Pavano was in the mix there, too. Over/under on how long until Penny gets one of those freak “injuries”?

JB: Seventeen days.

BZ: Look what happened to Carl. Brad’ll be lucky if he gets out alive.