Empyreal Environs

Game 15: April 19, 2006
Devil Rays (7-8), 1
Red Sox (11-4), 9
L: Doug Waechter (0-1)
W: Curt Schilling (4-0)

Cast
Tina Cervasio, ingénue under pressure
Don Orsillo, starstruck announcer boy
Jerry Remy, grizzled veteran
Rene Russo, established Hollywood starlet
Ty Wigginton, Devil Rays utilityman

[Cheesy infotainment musical opening. Flashy graphics package swoops across the screen trumpeting “Red Sox Moxie,” a show where baseball and celebrities collide.]

ORSILLO: Good evening, everyone, and welcome to the second game of a three-game series against the Devil Rays. When Boston last tangled with Tampa Bay, tempers flared and suspensions were delivered. [Clip of the Julian Tavarez/Joey Gathright incident.] Jerry, what can we expect from this match-up?

REMY: Well, Don, the Devil Rays have new ownership and management, but all of the same old problems. They’ve got a stacked lineup, particularly in the outfield, but no pitching. Tonight’s starting pitcher, Doug Waechter, has started two games and has no wins. So far this season he’s pitched for nine and two-thirds innings with a 3.72 ERA.

ORSILLO: That’s not too bad.

REMY: Well, it’s good for the Devils Rays’ pitching staff.

ORSILLO: This is true. Tina, you’ve got some news for us?

CERVASIO: Thanks, Don. I was talking to some Devil Rays players before the game and they tell me playing for a new owner, general manager, and field manager has been uplifting so far. The Devil Rays squad tells me that because expectations are low, the team doesn’t feel the pressure that one would in a high-profile franchise where every person associated with the team is analyzed daily under a microscope.

[Cut to interview clip of CERVASIO with TY WIGGINTON.]

CERVASIO: So, what’s the real estate market like in Florida?

WIGGINTON: Real cheap. And you know there’s no state income tax.

CERVASIO: And they’re as laid back as you say they are?

WIGGINTON: Yeah, nothing like Pittsburgh. That place was like a pressure cooker. This place is like so intense. I don’t know how I’m going to handle playing in left field here. Those fans over there [gestures to CVS Family section] are all over me.

[Cut back to ORSILLO and REMY.]

ORSILLO: Quite interesting.

CERVASIO: [Uncharacteristically glum.] They tell me that no one even knows the name or even cares about the sideline reporter on their local broadcasts.

ORSILLO: Thanks very much, Tina. I hear you have a noteworthy guest with you today?

CERVASIO: In Tampa, there’s no “Weiner Whiner Line” that ridicules you, or fan message boards that criticize every aspect of your performance on a nightly basis.

ORSILLO: I see. And your surprise guest...?

CERVASIO: Nope, no pressure in Florida. Plus, a lot of the folks I know from New Jersey live down there already. It’s like Yankee Stadium south.

REMY: Lots of snowbird retirees down there. All pulling their pants up high, like the new Wally. Don’t forget, you can get Wally and other fine merchandise at The Remy Report. Early bird menu not included.

ORSILLO: [Clears throat.] So, Tina, I hear you’ve got film star Rene Russo with you.

CERVASIO: [Suddenly chirpy.] Rene Russo, star of the Lethal Weapon and Major League series, is here tonight. So, how do you feel about being here at Fenway?

RUSSO: It’s just great. I came specifically to be here and finally watch a game in person.

CERVASIO: Do you have any predictions for this game?

RUSSO: Schilling’s going to go six innings with six hits, one earned run, one walk, and seven strikeouts.

CERVASIO: Which Red Sox batters do you think are going to score a lot of points?

RUSSO: You mean runs? Well, I think Youk is going to continue on his tear and go three for four with two RBIs, including a homer. Lowell will abuse the wall with his line drive doubles and also drive in two runs. I’ve been keeping my eye on that Wigginton kid. He’s all shook up about his first start in the outfield here, so look for him to commit some key errors.

CERVASIO: Back to you, Don and Jerry!

ORSILLO: [To production crew.] Could you send Rene Russo to the booth? I’d really love to take a picture with her....

[REMY rolls eyes.]