Empyreal Environs

Game 9: April 13, 2006
Blue Jays (5-4), 8
Red Sox (6-3), 6
W: Ted Lilly (1-0)
S: B.J. Ryan (3)
L: Matt Clement (1-1)

When people preface what they are about to say with, “Now, I’m not the [fill in adjective] type, but....” you know they are going to admit something that shows that they are, indeed the [fill in adjective] type. So, I’m not the competitive type, so I thought inviting someone against whom one of my fantasy teams is currently locked in an acrimonious battle to the death would be no problem. I was somewhat wrong.

NU50 (mundanely known as “Matt”) is a commissioner and owner in a keeper league comprised of posters from the Royal Rooters message board and a friend. Or, should I say, was a friend. Some folks get a little uppity when they’ve got Mark Loretta, David Ortiz, and Jason Varitek in their lineup. Upon further review of that list, he certainly does have a lot to crow about.

But fantasy baseball, much like the actual game, has its freakish vicissitudes. On Tuesday, my weak (as supported by 2005 production) infield of Justin Morneau, Jose Lopez, Ty Wigginton, and Khalil Greene hit 5 homers and produced 8 RBIs. To be sure, Morneau should be counted on to hit for some power, but had been pressing of late. For frame of reference, Matt’s starting shortstop, Miguel Tejada, hit 26 home runs in 2005, while last year Lopez, Wigginton, and Greene combined hit only 24 circuit clouts.

I understand my players will eventually fall back to earth, regression to the mean and all that, but I have that one of the simple pleasures of fantasy baseball is revelling in the unforeseen.

Given my competitive nature, it was with some trepidation that I watched “his” Red Sox players find themselves in situations that would aid him against “my” team. What kind of baseball fan am I? Am I really so wrapped in the fantasy that I would find myself not rooting the real Red Sox?

In the bottom of the ninth, as Ortiz stood in the box against B.J. Ryan, one of my relievers. The potential tying run was tantalizingly close to be launched from the designated hitter’s bat and plunged into the phalanx of fans in the right field boxes, which would spell certain doom for my team.

So, given those circumstances, how did I feel? Whom did I cheer?

Forget Ryan. Go Red Sox.

Things you missed if you weren’t hanging out with Matt and I at the park:

• The Wooster High School Band performed “O, Canada!” and “The Star-Spangled Banner.” This is not a typo; they are from Wooster, Ohio. As they assembled behind home plate, the sound booth played “Teenage Wasteland.”
• Matt got vanilla soft serve ice cream in a helmet cup. He tried to eat it without a spoon and the clump of frozen goodness slipped out and tumbled down the front of his light brown corduroy blazer. His professorial appearance showed that he did indeed have a degree in reflexology. It was as good a Web Gem as I had ever seen on Baseball Tonight.
• Someone in an office right above the ramp from Gate A has a window facing the field. Perched in the sill of said window is a Lego Wally.

Pictures showing Fenway and Wally’s stunning transformations to follow.