Empyreal Environs

The Boston Red Sox proudly announce F. W. Webb Co. as the official plumber for the organization. The team is also on the quest for “an official document storage company for the Red Sox, an official timekeeping device, and an official home security provider,” as stated in the Boston Globe. What the article did not mention is that the club is also actively looking for sponsorships in the following niche categories:

• Beachball puncture product
• Fertilizer (supplies have been dwindling since Theo Epstein’s return)
• Dugout waste receptacles and spitoons (to minimize slipping incidents and reduce injury risk)
• Dreadlock maintenance appliances and products
• Signmaker (to sustain advertising targets for the organization)
• Soil and warning track materials (zealous fans pocket said matter for memorabilia and the team needs a consistent supplier)
• Security services (to curtail the theft of dirt from the field)
• Packagers of soil and warning track materials as memorabilia

The Boston Red Sox expect to have a record-breaking season in 2006. The team anticipates providing its extensive and devoted fan base with a competitive summer and believe we will return to the playoffs for the fourth consecutive year. To bolster this goal, the Red Sox have aggressively pursued alternate revenue streams to fund the fielding of a contending team for this season and beyond.

This release contains forward-looking statements that are based on management’s expectations, estimates, projections, and assumptions. Words such as “expects,” “anticipates,” “believes,” and variations of these words and similar expressions are intended to identify forward-looking statements, which include but are not limited to projections of revenues, earnings, on-field performance, cash flows, and game attendance. These statements are not guarantees of future performance and involve certain risks and uncertainties, which are difficult to predict. Therefore, actual future results and trends may differ materially from what is forecast in forward-looking statements due to a variety of factors, including, without limitation:

• Ability of Keith Foulke to rebound from a trying season;
• Curt Schilling’s further recovery from injury;
• Work stoppages and other labor problems;
• The production of Mike Lowell returning to pre-2005 levels;
• Terry Francona managing the bullpen rationally;
• Jonathan Papelbon sustaining the trajectory of his meteoric rise;
• The continued deity-like capacity of David Ortiz to produce in challenging circumstances;
• Regulation of Julian Tavarez’s mood;
• The presence of competitors with greater financial resources; and
• Resolution of Josh Beckett’s blister issues.