Empyreal Environs

Game 140: September 9, 2005
Red Sox (82-58), 4
Yankees (79-61), 8
L: David Wells (12-7)
W: Aaron Small (7-0)
H: Tom Gordon (28)
3 games ahead in the division
2 game losing streak

You boys get up and clean your rooms right now. Right now. Do you hear me?

Four errors. Four errors?! As God is my witness, I’ve never seen such a thing. And when we’re visitors in someone else’s house, no less.

I’m appalled. Tony, you acted like that Knoblauch boy in the 1st inning. I don’t want to hear about how he won Rookie of the Year when he started, all that doesn’t matter now. Oh, you know what I’m talking about. That throw to first, well, you can’t even really call it towards first, now, can you? Yes, that one, the one where you let that despicable Rodriguez boy score and that brute Giambi get to second base.

In the 6th, I don’t know what you were doing out there, Johnny. That 250-game errorless streak you had seems so long ago now. You got the glove on Robinson’s liner just to let it fall out and skip by you like that? Which leads me to Edgar.

Edgar, Edgar, Edgar. You looked like Tom Brady spiking the ball in the AFC playoff game in 2002, except you A) didn’t just score a touchdown in the 4th quarter to keep your team in contention, B) didn’t fall down right after, but that was because there was no snow on the field, and C) aren’t playing football. I want you to go to your room and think about your two Gold Gloves. Meditate on how you can get back to that level. We know you can do better than this.

And Jason, I understand you’re trying. You stood up for the family when you bored straight into Georgie to end the 3rd inning. Just stop pressing so hard with the bases loaded like you did in the 7th inning. It seems like you let the pressure of the situation get to you. For example, where were you throwing in the 8th inning? You did make up for it by catching that Rodriguez boy’s foul ball, and they didn’t score in that inning, so we won’t dwell on it. You need to stop making threatening gestures at Dale, though. He’s getting scared of you.

As for you, Mr. Sveum. There must be some way to unadopt you.

Don’t think I’m going to let the pitching off easy, either. I’m looking at you, Chadwick Lee Bradford, who faced three batters and didn’t get an out. And will someone please tell me who bleached Jeremi’s hair? Who did it? You? You?

I’m just at my wit’s end. Where’s my Topamax?