Empyreal Environs

Game 81: July 4, 2005
Red Sox (46-35), 5
Rangers (43-38), 6
BS: Juan Dominguez (1)
W: Joaquin Benoit (1-0)
H: Mike Timlin (15)
H: Alan Embree (4)
BS, L: Keith Foulke (4, 5-5)

After the bottom of the 1st inning, the feeling of dread hanging over the rest of the game was palpable. The Rangers loaded the bases with no out. It wouldn’t be the last time either; the opposition loaded the bases in the 2nd, 4th, and the 9th. The last occasion proved lethal.

Ramirez had another Manny moment when he tried for second base in the 2nd inning following a Michael Young error. There’s hustling, and then there’s being hustled; I really wish Manny would figure out the difference when he’s on the basepaths.

The third inning seemed to rekindle the Red Sox’s fire. Mueller led off with a single to right. Ricardo Rodriguez handily erased the next two batters, one of which was a Damon ground out that removed Mueller from scoring position. Rodriguez then yielded 2 consecutive walks to juice the bases and facing the unsavory prospect of having to pitch to Manny. Rodriguez walked in a run, and then uncorked a wild pitch to score Renteria with Nixon at the plate. Here’s the list of other ways to score a runner without the ball contacting the bat that Andrew and I came up with: balk, passed ball, steal, error, hit by pitch with bases loaded. I guess you could add dropped third strike but the guy at third would have to have a huge lead and the catcher would have to be a complete moron. In fact, it would probably have to be a dropped third strike plus throwing error to work. The other extremely unlikely possibility would be catcher’s interference with the bases loaded.

Nixon managed to go opposite field and hit a double over Kevin Mench’s size 8 head in 6th inning. When hitting over Mench’s head, you need a control center in Houston to manage the trajectory. Ortiz had also reached on a double and scored to tie the game.

In the 8th, Ortiz again reached base again, this time on a bloop single to left field. Manny drove him in with a home run to take the lead. It wasn’t enough.

The rest of the game was designed to introduce the new Marvel supervillain “The Suck” to Red Sox fans. Engineered in a lab in Alabama and portrayed by Keith Foulke, this new antagonist will surely send chills up the spines of followers everywhere when seen warming in the bullpen.

Narrator: James Andrew, Physician/Scientist, searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation interacts with his patient, Keith Foulke, and his unique body mechanics. And now, when Keith Foulke has to make a save with runners in scoring position, a startling metamorphasis occurs.
[While trying to close out a game with RISP, Foulke changes into “The Suck”: 16.03 ERA, 9 for 13 in save opportunities.]
Narrator: The creature is driven by rage and pursued by an investigative reporter.
Foulke: Mr. McAdams, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
[McAdams witnesses yet another blown save.]
Narrator: An accidental implosion took the life of a fellow relief pitcher and the good Keith Foulke as well. The reporter thinks the creature was responsible.
McAdams: [droning voice-over] I gave a description to all the local media. They are going to fixate on his velocity, pitching mechanics, mental state, and/or a combination of the foregoing.
Narrator: Now Foulke must let the world go on thinking that he is dead, until he can find a way to control the raging spirit that dwells within him.

Special thanks to Pine Tar Helmet for the phrase “The Suck,” which she is the not.