Empyreal Environs

How you wish you were in the Yankee clubhouse for this fracas of the infielders, don’t you? Thanks to the miracle of chat technology and fevered imaginations, 12eight in collaboration with EE is pleased to present to you a recreation of June 20’s events in vibrant, living color:

Rodriguez walks by Jeter’s locker, mumbling something about his errant throw. The shortstop tells him to perform something physically impossible, and Rodriguez responds by slapping at him with his Prada handbag. Jeter marshals the Mystic Powers of the Intangible.

“You hit me with your purse, you bitch!” he yells, but then collects himself, knocking Rodriguez backwards with the Calm Eye Glare.

The so-called best player in baseball retaliates with the fake look of intensity at the plate, turning up his nose and squinting. “I’ve been up since 5:30 AM working out. What do you have to say to that, Mr. Overrated?”

Jeter is momentarily set off balance, but recovers with the Fist Pump of Empty Victories. Responding to his opponent’s renewed vigor, Rodriguez grabs the bat he used to hit his 400th home run from its climate-controlled display case and swings low; Jeter dodges with an exaggerated crouch.

A diamond-encrusted mobile phone rings. Rodriguez answers his $90M phone and is momentarily distracted with a call from one of his therapists. Jeter takes to opportunity to dramatically yet needlessly dive into the nearby covey of reporters and retrieves the 1999 World Series trophy. The Aura of the trophy blinds the third baseman. Bernie Williams throws his captain his ill-gotten Gold Glove, which Jeter uses to spank Rodriguez.

“That’s for questioning my authority, you prima donna!”

The prostrate Rodriguez records a voice memo to himself on his mobile phone, “Had a dream about something like this; discuss with therapist.”