Dave’s Diegesis: The Decision
EE: As much as I would like to, I can’t take another trip to interview another candidate. The EE coffers are nearly empty. We’ve got to go with the folks we’ve seen so far.
dEEvil: You should really pick Mike Mussina. I’m certain your fanbase would love that. [Cackle]
angEEl: Don’t be tempted by the dark side, EE. Consume you it will, as a friend once told me.
dEEvil: What’s dark about Mussina?
angEEl: His hair, his eyes, his heart, and his intentions.
dEEvil: Typical naïve goodness. Evil will always triumph, because good is dumb.
angEEl: Are not!
dEEvil: Is to!
angEEl: Are not!
EE: Guys... and by “guys” I mean imaginary apparitions of me at about 1/20 scale perched on each of my shoulders with the requisite horns, tail, and pitchfork and wings and halo, respectively... calm down. There’s a choice we’re making....
dEEvil and angEEl: [Singing] We’re saving our own lives....
EE: I hate you both.
dEEvil and angEEl: [Snigger]
EE: So, who’s it going to be?
angEEl: You must take into account the 1,972 voice mails you’ve gotten from David. He truly misses his weekly chance to shine.
dEEvil: I particularly liked message number 784, where he proffers up his soul. That’ll get him places. In fact, hold on a sec. [Whips out mobile phone.]
dEEvil: [Into the phone] Yo, Belial. Did that deal we were considering go through or what? No kidding? Excellent. Tell Dantalian “hi.” Talk to ya.
dEEvil: Okay, then, I’m fine with McCarty.
angEEl: Hold on a second, I don’t like how that sounded. Was that about David?
dEEvil: No, of course not.
angEEl: Ah, all right. [Smiles placidly]
EE: [Sighs] If we go with McCarty, we go with what the readers want. I’m all about making them happy. Except if they are Canadians, of course.
angEEl: Heaven’s coming out with a encyclical about them, and it was determined they have no soul.
EE: That was pretty apparent with Alan Thicke.
dEEvil: About time. The exchange rate for Canadian souls was paltry.
EE: Anyway, I’ll give Dave a call. Hopefully he’ll have time to do this.
dEEvil: He probably has time to broker peace in the Middle East.
angEEl: Or invent cold fusion.
dEEvil: Hey, that was pretty good, wingy.
angEEl: I have my moments, my hooved friend.
EE: [Sighs] Not even my internal dialogues are unique.
Comments
Huzzah! Dave McCarty is back! All is right with the world again!
Can I put away my prayer beads now? ;)
Fiskian Pole Shot ∙ 27 May 2005 ∙ 6:21 PM
To be fair, I'm not a Canadian. I'm just playing one for a year. It's good to see Dave's going to have something to do with all his spare time after all.
Andrew ∙ 27 May 2005 ∙ 6:47 PM
What's it like to play Canadian? Anything like playing possum?
Note: The views expressed by satiric EE are not necessarily those of real life EE. Real life EE hates everyone.
Empyreal ∙ 27 May 2005 ∙ 7:48 PM
It's true we make a brighter day, just you and me yeah ee yeah ah eeah
Can you tell that was the Stevie Wonder part?
jere ∙ 27 May 2005 ∙ 9:29 PM
Playing a Canadian is basically like doing the voices for a 'Care Bears' movie, but more sugary and accepting. And with more hockey. But in a good way.
Andrew ∙ 28 May 2005 ∙ 1:03 AM
The right choice. Just because he's gone doesn't mean he should be forgotten by loyal Sox. This is what makes us great fans. Or, uh, something.
Boston Fan in Michigan ∙ 29 May 2005 ∙ 1:33 PM