Empyreal Environs

Game 3: April 6, 2005
Red Sox (1-2), 7
Yankees (2-1), 3
W: Mike Timlin (1-0)
BS, L: Mariano Rivera (2, 1-1)

The Red Sox win their first game of the 2005 season, 7-3. A few years ago, if I told you that Mariano Rivera, the greatest reliever of his time, would give up five runs in the ninth inning to blow the save and lead, you would mostly like laugh in my face. Rivera has been vulnerable to Red Sox hitting, and this game was no exception. Unable to find the strike zone, Rivera struggled with the location of his mythic cut fastball. The sequence in the ninth piled improbability upon improbability:

1. Mueller walks.
2. Bellhorn singles. Mueller to 2nd.
3. Damon singles. Mueller to 3rd, Bellhorn to 2nd.
4. Nixon strikes out.
5. Ramirez reaches on error by A. Rodriguez. Mueller scores, Bellhorn to 3rd, Damon to 2nd.
6. Ortiz grounds out. Bellhorn scores, Damon to 3rd, Ramirez to 2nd.
7. McCarty walks (appreciate the incredulity of this).
8. Renteria singles (his first RBI-generating hit this season). Damon and Ramirez score, McCarty to 2nd.
9. Mirabelli walks. McCarty to 3rd, Renteria to 2nd.

And then Rivera is finally, mercifully pulled by Joe Torre. Does he trust so few people in his bullpen that he had to extend Rivera? Has the Hammer of God lost his handle? I feel strongly that his participation in Nike’s bizarre “Find Your Game Face” ad campaign led to his downfall.

Two day games in a row enabled me to diagnose several office-related ailments that are opportunistic to Red Sox fans’ weak immunity system:

• Trupianeurosis: Primary symptoms include tachycardia, hyperventilation, sudden, irrational fear and feelings of danger or impending doom (or, in stark contrast, great joy followed by deep disappointment, dependent upon which team is at bat.) Induced by the phrase “way back,” with symptoms intensifying with the repetition of said phrase.
• Red Sox-related Tourette Syndrome (RS-RTS): Sudden outburst of expletives when a Trupianeurotic attack overwhelms the individual. Other expressions of emotion have also been documented, including pounding of desks, throwing of stress balls, and rude gestures toward the real-time, self-refreshing game summary site of choice. Some have conjectured that there might be a related disorder consisting of the spontaneous expression of positive emotions, characterized by laughter and smiles, known as Championaphasia. Since October 27, 2005, fewer cases of RS-RTS have been reported because these incidents are nearly always accompanied by the immediate and profound onset of Championaphasia.
• Chat-induced Carpal Tunnel Syndrome: Caused by inputting text into multiple windows of fan board chats, message boards, and instant messaging systems simultaneously.

The complex inter-relationships between these disorders need to be examined. I am currently in the process of writing a grant to garner funds from the National Institute of Health to further investigate the maladies that plague Red Sox fans.

The Red Sox were not swept, and in fact many of them were chipper enough to head to Fenway and attend the gala Fever Pitch premiere. These social events have been approved by Mom, who, after her harsh words yesterday, wanted to let her boys relax on their day off before facing the Toronto Blue Jays.