Empyreal Environs

During a routine morning walk, famed Boston sportswriter Dirt Dog was electrocuted when he traversed a portion of pavement charged by an exposed NStar Electric lamppost. Unlike the recent incident that caused the death of a year-old boxer named Cassius, the Internet personality survived the incident and is recovering in an area hospital. His condition is listed as stable.

Doctors attending Dirt Dog do not anticipate long term damage at this time, but indicate that he may experience the following symptoms until recovering:

• Pains, headaches, tremors, weakness, sweating, fainting
• Difficulty in concentrating
• Deafness, visual disturbances
• Insomnia, nightmares, panic attacks
• Intrusive memories, nervousness
• Feelings of powerlessness, worthlessness, irritability
• Feelings of aggressiveness
• Sexual disturbances
• Feelings of alienation, depression, and guilt

“He’s slowly coming around to his usual self,” said an unnamed, unverified source possibly named Jennifer or Jessica. “I heard him mumbling about Nomar Garciaparra being the best Red Sox shortstop of all time and lauding Pedro Martinez for his charitable work in the Dominican Republic. He’s obviously experiencing extreme dementia at the moment. I fully expect him to rebound and continue to be the voice of all the diehard fans out there.”

Attorneys for Dirt Dog are expected to demand a $17.5M settlement from NStar. “It’s a symbolic amount, being the salary of Pedro Martinez in 2004. Dirt Dog was instrumental in exposing Martinez as the selfish, preening prima donna he is, and NStar is possibly depriving his audience of future breaking and substantive news. We believe this amount is representative of Dirt Dog’s vast, historic, and lasting contribution to the Boston baseball club and its fandom.”

NStar would not comment on any aspect of the settlement negotiations.