Empyreal Environs

This season, Jason Varitek will be the first Red Sox captain since 1989 and only the fourth since 1923. When he resigned with the team in December of 2004, the team unexpectedly conferred this rank on him. It was the granting of a title that many believed he already held.

With pitchers and catchers reporting to Fort Myers for spring training, the new captain faced questions about his additional duties. “It’s a very big honor, but my role isn’t going to be any different,” he said. “It’s the same responsibilities I’ve always had. My most solemn oath is that I will give my life, even the lives of my entire crew, rather than violate the Prime Directive.”

Ensign Dave McCarty has already begun compiling his “Top 100 Reasons Why Varitek is Better Than Picard, Kirk, and Jeter” list. “I’m so excited that Vari-, I mean, Captain Varitek, has been named captain. It’s so awesome. The captain was the second cadet at Starfleet Academy to beat the Kobayashi Maru simulation. I don’t need to tell you who the first was. I’d be the first to don a red shirt and die in a random mission for Captain Varitek.”

A high-ranking officer from Varitek’s crew added his voice to the chorus of support for the newly-instated leader. Commander Curt Schilling said, “[Varitek’s] impact is so significant, on and off the ship. I’ve always thought the consummate officers in the fleet, the best leaders, are guys who made their weakest crew members better. Remember how Picard helped [Reginald] Barclay? That’s what the captain does for our crew.”

The first spring training missions are on the horizon, and Varitek faces one of the biggest challenges of his career by having to prepare the new pitchers on his staff. But with him at the helm, the days of 25 officers, 25 shuttlecraft are over.