Empyreal Environs

Offers Hope, Encouragement to Wally

After hearing of Wally the Green Monster’s recent travails, the San Diego Chicken had a candid conversation with an EE correspondent about the lessons he learned as a high profile MLB mascot.

“I know exactly what Wally is going through. I was the toast of the town once. I was a folk hero, a cultural phenomenon. They called me the Mascot of the Millennium.

“Since then, I’ve intentionally lowered my profile. You can’t be ubiquitous, because people will tire of you real quick. Just ask Jennifer Lopez. Decrease the supply, demand increases.

“What Wally has to do is refocus his image. I feel sorry for him for having to impress a bunch of tight-assed New Englanders while all I had to do was amuse some Californians who are already happy because of whatever new therapy, drug, or diet they are on. Forget about the older folks; they’re too preoccupied with finally winning the World Series. He’s got to concentrate on the echo boomers, and the thing these kids want is to be uber-ironic. Each metal lunchbox, Trapper Keeper, and thrift store t-shirt they buy could be money in Wally’s pocket if he plays his cards right. So what if the Red Sox want another mascot to cater to toddlers? If he can strike a chord with the mavens of the consumer market, the older echo boomers, I see an unstoppable Wally resurgence.

“You’re wondering how I know all this pop culture theory stuff? Well, I was able to use my earnings to send the kids to some fancy pants Ivy League schools. Then they come back and spout Geertz, Althusser, Barthes, Baudrillard, Butler at me. Funny thing is, there’s profit in poststructuralism.”

The Chicken is currently planning a sports scene comeback of his own. “Soon I’ll be strutting back on the diamond at Petco Field, I guarantee it,” he says. “These days, you say “Catholic church” and the public thinks “pedophiles.” Parents aren’t apt to buy some Friar Tuck bobblehead for their child.” The Chicken sits back on his chair and places his feet on the desk, smiling contentedly. “But I think they are ready for a Famous Chicken limited edition iPod case. Pricepoint of $15 is good, I think.”